| I recently heard from a wife who told me that her | | | | There was really no need to make things worse right |
| husband had firmly told her that he was "sick of" her | | | | now. Eventually, as things improved, other issues |
| lies and was considering a divorce. The wife had to | | | | could have been addressed. But, this couple was |
| admit that the husband was extremely justified in his | | | | already on incredibly shaky ground. So, there was no |
| frustration. In truth, the wife had lied to him early in | | | | need to try to address multiple problems all at once. I |
| their relationship. And, to cover up many of those | | | | suspected if the wife was able to lessen some of |
| early lies, she'd had to stretch the truth a bit for | | | | the resentment and tension, she would also begin to |
| longer than she had intended. This had sort of blown | | | | see some improvement in her husband's behavior. |
| up in her face and her husband was very fed up and | | | | Eliminating The "Walking On Eggshells" Environment: |
| had lost all patience. | | | | The wife understood that much of this situation was |
| She wanted to know if it was possible to save her | | | | her fault. But, she was starting to very much resent |
| marriage after her "history of lies." She wanted to | | | | always having to feel like the second class citizen in |
| know how to make her husband see that she had | | | | the marriage. She told me that she felt like she was |
| never been trying to be malicious, but she had been | | | | "constantly walking on eggshells" and that she felt as |
| afraid that he would not find her attractive if he had | | | | though her husband was always just waiting for her |
| known the truth about her past. And there were | | | | to mess up. She knew that she mostly deserved it. |
| under concerns as well. The wife had recently caught | | | | But, it made it difficult for her to be spontaneous and |
| the husband in his own lies. I guess he figured that he | | | | comfortable. |
| had more leeway since she had been dishonest first. | | | | This was absolutely understandable and it didn't need |
| He'd been telling her that he'd been working when | | | | to continue. I felt that if she came clean, gave a |
| he'd instead been going out with friends. | | | | heartfelt apology and then began acting appropriately |
| While none of these untruths were malicious, they still | | | | to indicate that she was putting this behind her and |
| took their toll. It was understandable that the wife | | | | expected for him to do the same, she might be |
| didn't want to divulge things about her past and her | | | | pleasantly surprised. If she weren't happy with his |
| troubled family. But, she had never misrepresented or | | | | response, she could always directly but calmly tell her |
| been untrue about her feelings for and commitment | | | | husband that it made her unhappy to keep living this |
| to her husband. I felt that making the husband | | | | way and that she felt that doing so would undermine |
| understand this was going to be the key to saving | | | | their efforts to be happy. |
| the marriage. I will discuss this more in the following | | | | They were going to have a much greater chance of |
| article. | | | | success if they could bring some lightheartedness into |
| Changing The Culture Of Lies In A Marriage: I felt | | | | their home. This wasn't going to begin happening if |
| that the first thing that the wife needed to do was | | | | they continued to dwell on what could not be |
| to stress to both her husband and herself that there | | | | changed. In truth, the husband was very attracted to |
| would be no more untruths. This needed to be true | | | | the wife's dramatic and fun loving personality. Him |
| no matter what the subject matter was. I also felt | | | | continuing to harp on what was in the past was only |
| that things might be improved if the wife sat her | | | | going to eventually choke this out. |
| husband down and just came clean about everything. | | | | I felt the wife should set the tone with her own |
| Trying to cover up all of the lies was becoming | | | | attitude and behaviors, he would eventually follow |
| exhausting and was hurting her marriage. The | | | | along. Granted, a history of lies is not the best way |
| husband needed to see that she was willing to be | | | | to begin a marriage. But, there were a lot of things |
| very vulnerable in order to make some heart felt | | | | that drew these two people together. And, they did |
| changes. And she also needed to make it clear that | | | | love one another and now had a family to consider. |
| the husband did not need to worry about her lying | | | | They couldn't change what was in the past, but they |
| and omitting the truth in the future. | | | | could define a new, better, and much more honest |
| I felt it best not to dwell on the husband's behavior. | | | | future. |