| I often receive correspondence from wives who feel | | | | Marriage: Your biggest obstacle right now is his faulty |
| that they are the only one in the marriage who | | | | perceptions (that things aren't really going to change) |
| wants to make the changes and the repairs that | | | | and his resistance. You often aren't going to be able |
| might save it. Typically, either the husband is | | | | to overcome his resistance until you can first change |
| indifferent, resistant, or there is some troublesome | | | | the perceptions. I often tell women that husbands |
| issue that is keeping him from cooperating. This is a | | | | very often don't begin to see things in the way that |
| very difficult position to find yourself in because you | | | | we do. |
| can feel so alone and you can feel like the efforts | | | | When I was struggling to save my own marriage, my |
| that you're working very hard to make are just a | | | | therapist had to point this out to me. I was going on |
| waste of your time. It can be hard to only be able to | | | | and on about all of the things that I was juggling and |
| control your side of the equation. | | | | struggling with and how much this whole process |
| But, while you can't make your husband change his | | | | was hurting me, especially since he would not help to |
| mind when he's not willing, there is quite a lot that | | | | save the marriage. She asked me how I thought my |
| you can do from your end. You are in full control of | | | | husband saw me at this time. I told her that I had no |
| your actions and how you appear to him. Although it | | | | idea, but it had to be obvious that I was someone |
| is likely extremely tempting to "lay it all on the line" or | | | | who was on edge. She then proceeded to ask me |
| to go on an all out campaign to get him to see things | | | | what my husband used to love about me. She asked |
| your way, these strategies often don't work as well | | | | me to describe the woman that he had fallen in love |
| as setting up the circumstances that allow for your | | | | with. |
| husband to agree with you on his own because he | | | | I told her that I used to be fearless, had a high |
| wants to instead of because he was forced to. I will | | | | energy level, and was previously pretty bubbly. She |
| explain this more in the following article. | | | | then reached under my desk and held a mirror up |
| You Don't Necessarily Need Your Husband's Complete | | | | facing in my direction and said "is this the same |
| Cooperation (Especially At First) To Repair Your | | | | woman? Is this her?" At first I was angry. Of course |
| Marriage: As I said, it's usually not the best idea to | | | | it wasn't her. I didn't have these struggles when I |
| try to force or trick your husband to get on board. | | | | was younger and I was only human. It was only later |
| Many times, this only backfires, he becomes | | | | that I saw her point. I was bitter. I was sad. I was |
| resentful, and he eventually only wants to pull away | | | | spent and I was always expecting the worst. And |
| more. It potentially will save a lot of time and | | | | yet I was asking my husband to trust that I could |
| damage if you accept that you shouldn't harp on him | | | | provide a positive experience and marriage when I |
| if he's not receptive. This will only likely push him | | | | certainly was not showing him these attributes on a |
| father away from you. | | | | regular basis. |
| There's a lot of ground that you can cover on your | | | | Instead, I was constantly harping on him and telling |
| own by controlling your own actions. Sometimes | | | | him that he was wrong to place our marriage on the |
| when I tell people this, I will hear things like "so, I'm | | | | back burner. The therapist gave me the only |
| just supposed to ignore the fact that he doesn't | | | | applicable advice she ever gave me that day and it |
| want to save the marriage and proceed as if there is | | | | ended up working - at least eventually. She told me |
| nothing wrong?" Not exactly. I'm not asking you to | | | | that I had to focus on the positive rather than the |
| deny reality, but I am suggesting that you focus on | | | | negative. By projecting the negative, I was only |
| what you can - which is changing your husband's | | | | encouraging negative expectations with my husband. |
| perception that the two of you are too far apart, | | | | I needed to start acting "as if" which meant that my |
| that the marriage is too shaky, and that there is little | | | | attitude matched the outcome that I wanted. When |
| that you can do to change this. | | | | I started doing this, my husband's reactions started |
| In fact, you likely suspect that things absolutely can | | | | to change. |
| change if the two of you worked together. And, | | | | Of course, we still had a lot of work to do and this |
| that day may eventually come. But, for right now, | | | | was a gradual process, but acting in a more positive |
| you might have to accept that you'll be working | | | | and light hearted manner changed both of our |
| alone. Luckily, this can be very effective if you do it | | | | attitudes. After that, I began making small changes in |
| correctly. I have seen countless wives bring their | | | | my part in the marriage to show him that change |
| husband around by changing their actions, responses, | | | | was possible. Eventually he got on board. This |
| and focus. | | | | process went much more smoothly when I stopped |
| Things That You Must Overcome To Get Your | | | | trying to change his mind, started focusing on myself, |
| Husband On Board In Helping You To Repair The | | | | and then drew on the positive. |