| If you've found this article, I have to suspect that | | | | that led up to the affair in the first place. It's so easy |
| you are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. | | | | to turn a blind eye to a lack of intimacy or a break |
| You're likely experiencing a slew of difficult, | | | | down of communication and honesty. These things |
| conflicting, and painful emotions that can be | | | | can be difficult and painful to discuss. However, you |
| extremely challenging to process and manage. It can | | | | must bring these things into the light and change |
| sometimes feel that your life (or your marriage) can | | | | them completely and for good. If you don't, you |
| never fully rebound or that this nightmare is never | | | | can't possibly be confident that your marriage is affair |
| going to end. Because I often write about my own | | | | - proof and so you'll be reluctant to trust and be |
| struggles (and eventual recovery) from my husband's | | | | vulnerable again. A marriage can not recover and can |
| affair, I'm often asked questions like: "how in the | | | | not thrive without trust and transparency. So, |
| world can I and my marriage recover from this | | | | address and fix any issues needed and get help with |
| affair? I want to move on, but I just can't stop | | | | this if you need it. You really can not skip this step if |
| fixating on this betrayal or let go of my anger." The | | | | you truly want your marriage to be whole again. |
| answer to this question is going to differ slightly | | | | Have Your Built Yourself Back Up?: An affair is a |
| based on the situation, but there are often common | | | | confidence killer. It's not at all uncommon to see self |
| things that can (and must) be done to help you | | | | assured, vibrant, positive women completely change |
| recover and heal. I will list some of these things in the | | | | and crumble after their husband has cheated. We |
| following article. | | | | women are often all too willing to blame ourselves |
| Are You Confident That He Really Understands The | | | | for our husband's decisions and actions. Don't fall into |
| Consequences Of The Affair And Is Really | | | | this trap. He is the one who decided to cheat. No |
| Remorseful?: So often, women tell me: "I don't think | | | | matter what the circumstances were, no matter |
| my husband is really sorry about the affair. I think | | | | how vulnerable your marriage was, no matter what |
| that he is just sorry that he got caught." This is a | | | | you did or didn't do, he is the one who made the |
| serious red flag in the recovery of your marriage. If | | | | decision and he is ultimately responsible. |
| you aren't 100% sure that your husband fully | | | | Understand that men often cheat because of what is |
| understands the devastation that his actions have | | | | wrong with them, not because of what is wrong |
| caused, then you must revisit this issue. It's very | | | | with you. They are feeling insecure, old, uninteresting, |
| common to not want to "go there" with your | | | | or wounded, and the affair is an attempt to place a |
| husband for fear of bringing about more negative | | | | band aid on these things. This often has very little to |
| feelings or making things worse. This is | | | | do with you. So don't place the blame where it |
| understandable. But, if you just brush over the pain | | | | doesn't belong. And don't be shy about doing |
| and consequences, then you will always feel | | | | whatever you need to do to restore your self |
| unresolved resentment and the fear that he is going | | | | confidence. I've mentioned that it's very important to |
| to repeat this behavior. You must be confident that | | | | be honest with your husband, but it's also just |
| your husband not only understands, but is truly | | | | important to be honest with yourself. Where are you |
| empathetic to what you are going through. A | | | | vulnerable, in terms of self image? |
| counselor once told me that a husband must "feel | | | | For me, it was my weight, my body image, my |
| your pain so that he knows exactly what a serious | | | | teeth, and the fact that I had placed my own career |
| mistake this truly was." | | | | on the back burner to become a wife and mother. I |
| You don't need to harp on this issue endlessly or | | | | had become a second class citizen in my own mind. It |
| keep punishing him over and over if he has truly | | | | wasn't until I was honest with myself about that |
| shown understanding and remorse. But, if you are | | | | these things that were holding me back that I began |
| even slightly doubtful, be very honest with him and | | | | to recover and heal. I lost weight, fixed my teeth, |
| explain that in order to move on, you need to know | | | | and went back to school. |
| that he understands the devastation that you are | | | | Yes, my personal appearance and my outer self was |
| going through and is remorseful enough that he is | | | | transformed, but what really helped me move on |
| motivated to examine his behavior and the | | | | more than anything was the internal changes that no |
| vulnerabilities that lead up to it so that these things | | | | one could see. It was a slight (but huge) shift in my |
| can be fixed, which leads me to.... | | | | self esteem and self worth. As I addressed (and |
| Have You Completely Fixed What's Broken?: In truth, | | | | fixed) the things that were sabotaging me, I became |
| one of the most common reasons that some | | | | more willing to accept that I was indeed lovable, |
| marriages can't recover from an affair is that the | | | | desirable, and worthy - and that no actions by my |
| couple has not addressed the issues and vulnerabilities | | | | husband could ever change that. |