| Recent statistics show us that couples are trying trial | | | | There are times when trial separations can be a |
| separations in record numbers. There are potentially | | | | positive thing. When you and your spouse keep |
| endless reasons for this. But, I believe that the | | | | spinning your wheels and just can not get in a |
| economy is playing a large role. Maintaining and paying | | | | positive or productive cycle, then sometimes it is |
| for two households is much more expensive than | | | | helpful to have a pause in this. When one spouse is |
| paying for one. Many couples do the math and decide | | | | at a point where they are only feeling anger and |
| that divorcing just doesn't make sense from either a | | | | frustration and you're looking at either a separation |
| financial or emotional standpoint. | | | | or divorce, then obviously the separation is going to |
| I get a lot of emails from spouses who tell me that | | | | be preferable. And, sometimes time apart can really |
| their husband or wife has suggested or is pushing for | | | | make a person realize how much they value and miss |
| a trial separation or some time apart. Understandably, | | | | their spouse. This is much more likely to happen |
| many people are skeptical about this. They fear or | | | | though, if you set some firm ground rules that will |
| suspect that the time apart is only the beginning of | | | | place a good deal of control and restrictions on the |
| the ending stages of the relationship. Or, they worry | | | | situation, which I will discuss now. |
| that the time apart will only showcase how bad | | | | Setting The Rules And Guidelines That Make You |
| things really are. | | | | More Likely To Be Successful: I can not stress |
| These things really do not have to happen. Many | | | | enough how important it is to define and verbalize |
| couples' marriages are improved by these | | | | what you are hoping to get out of this. Taking a |
| separations. The key is often that both parties are | | | | "wait and see" attitude can really contribute to this |
| very clear on what they hope to accomplish and are | | | | sort of going on for two long or ensuring that |
| firm in their commitment. It's important that you don't | | | | nothing really gets done or changes. |
| take a "wait and see" or "hope for the best | | | | You will want to agree as to whether or not you are |
| approach." And, you most definitely need to set | | | | going to see other people (and I would certainly |
| some ground rules. I will discuss this more in the | | | | advise that you don't.) You will want to agree on |
| following article. | | | | how often the two of you are going to check in or |
| When A Trial Separation Makes Sense: As I said | | | | spend time together. You will want to make it clear |
| before, people often ask me if they should agree to | | | | that you are both willing to share any insights and |
| this. Understandably, there is a lot of fear involved. I | | | | feelings that come to the surface due to your time |
| often feel that if one spouse keeps bringing this up, | | | | apart. And, you will want define exactly what (and |
| you really don't have much a choice because this is a | | | | how) you're going to come at the outstanding issues |
| tip off that they are not going to be satisfied with | | | | in a new, and more positive way. Finally, you will |
| anything else. They will always wonder what | | | | want to set a firm time line as to when the time |
| would've happened had you not thwarted what they | | | | apart starts and when it stops. |
| asked you for. And, I often tell folks that a willing | | | | Because, what is the point of separating if no real |
| separation is much more desirable than an unwanted | | | | and meaningful changes are actually attempted - with |
| divorce. | | | | some sort of time frame defined? This is the whole |
| With that said, you can certainly offer to give your | | | | point of ensuring that this strengthens your marriage |
| spouse space without them needing to move out. | | | | rather than weakening it. Often if these trial |
| Or, you can offer to go somewhere else for a while. | | | | separations are successful, it's because there is a |
| These concessions could potentially keep them from | | | | pause in what's wrong so that you don't need to |
| having to leave your home, if you can get them to | | | | dwell on it and magnify it anymore. This gives a new |
| agree to this. However, if you offer this up and they | | | | calm and perspective on the situation which allows |
| are resistant, don't continue to harp on it. It just | | | | you to come at the issues from a more calm and |
| weakens your position and show cases your fear. | | | | rational place. |
| You really do want to present yourself as someone | | | | It will often also bring to light just how much both |
| who values your spouse's happiness and well being. If | | | | parties do not want to be alone and without their |
| you are rallying again their every request, they are | | | | families. So, in the best case scenario both spouses |
| going to eventually start to see you as someone | | | | will be very much anticipating coming back together |
| who stands in the way of their happiness. You really | | | | and tackling the problems with renewed commitment |
| do not want for your spouse to see you this way | | | | and enthusiasm. |
| when you are trying to save your marriage. | | | | |