| By definition, an affair is a serious breach of trust. | | | | patient. Never should he in any way blame her for |
| Your partner promised to love, honor, and cherish | | | | the affair. Admittedly, the reasons for cheating are |
| you, and by cheating, they have seriously | | | | always quite complex, and stem from areas where |
| compromised these vows. But, marriages survive | | | | the marriage was vulnerable. But, the person who |
| (and even thrive) after affairs every day. However, | | | | made the ultimate decision to cheat should absolutely |
| one issue in the way of this is restoring the trust. | | | | take on the blame and responsibility for it. The |
| And, this is often a large, multi faceted issue. After | | | | contributing factors were there, but he is the one |
| all, your spouse has betrayed your trust and often | | | | who chose to forgo trying to approach you to fix |
| tried to hide this fact from you. Most people's | | | | them and cheat instead. He should understand this |
| thought process goes something like this "if he | | | | and take complete responsibility for it. |
| successfully deceived me once, how can I ever | | | | He Should Be Willing To Pinpoint Why The Affair |
| possibly trust him ever again? What's to stop him | | | | Happened And Make The Changes That Are Going |
| from doing the same thing later?" These are | | | | To Reassure You That It Doesn't Happen Again: It's |
| completely reasonable questions that deserve an | | | | so important that you both understand why this |
| answer. However, countless men commit to saving | | | | affair happened and immediately make the changes |
| their marriages and never cheat again, eventually | | | | needed to affair - proof your marriage. This is going |
| becoming worthy of your restored trust. In this | | | | to require brutal honesty and difficult conversations, |
| article, I'll go over what is often necessary to restore | | | | but it's really the only way that you can make the |
| the trust after cheating. | | | | safe guards necessary to ensure that you're not |
| Understand That The Trust Won't Return Over Night: | | | | dealing with this again somewhere down the road. |
| I write about affairs from my own experience and | | | | Sometimes it's necessary that your husband changes |
| people often ask me "what was the one thing that | | | | bad habits (drinking, going out with bad influences, or |
| helped you get the trust back?" The answer is that | | | | engaging in risky behavior). Sometimes, he may need |
| there was not any one thing. Rather, it was a | | | | to change jobs. Sometimes, he may need to change |
| combination of several things that happened over | | | | friends (statistics show that many men who cheat |
| time. Little by little, my husband began to show me | | | | have friends who do the same). Sometimes, he may |
| that he was exactly where he said he was going to | | | | need to address self esteem and doubt issues. He |
| be and that he was alone. Over time, his patience, | | | | should be willing to do whatever is needed to |
| reassurance, and remorse began to become evident. | | | | remove any risk factors that are present in your |
| And, he was always willing to give me what I needed | | | | marriage. |
| to help me heal (although I made the very grave | | | | He Should Have Patience And Reassurance For His |
| mistake of not telling them what that was for way | | | | Wife: Despite the fact that you may really want to |
| too long.) He was also willing to put in the work and | | | | save your marriage, healing doesn't always come |
| the time that was necessary for us to pinpoint areas | | | | easily or quickly. One day you may feel a little better, |
| where we were vulnerable and fix them. And later, | | | | only to find you are feeling rage, betrayal, and |
| he went out of his way to rebuild something | | | | confusion a couple of days later. This is totally normal |
| completely new and better so that neither of us had | | | | and your husband should understand this and be |
| any reason to continue to look in the past. | | | | patient. |
| Demand As Much Disclosure And Accountability As | | | | Reestablishing a trusting intimate relationship takes |
| You Need: Some women don't want to know all of | | | | time as well. Sometimes, intimacy is hard for the wife |
| the details about the affair and some will accept | | | | as she imagines her husband being intimate with |
| nothing less. Your husband should be willing to offer | | | | another woman (of course this is a major turn off.) |
| up whatever it is that you need. (Now, to be fair, | | | | Feelings of intimacy often return once trust is |
| you shouldn't repeatedly harp on small issues about | | | | restored, but again, this takes time. You have to earn |
| the affair that make no real difference and will only | | | | this back and it doesn't happen over night. |
| make you feel worse.) | | | | You will likely need a lot of reassurance, affection, |
| It's very common to want or need to see cell phone | | | | and patience in the days to come. But, it's important |
| records and credit card statements, and needing or | | | | that you understand that your husband can't read |
| wanting him to check in and / or forgo behaviors | | | | your mind. Many men hold back for fear or rejection, |
| that aren't conducive to a committed, monogamous | | | | punishment, or coming off as "touchy feely" when it's |
| marriage. To restore and earn back your trust, he | | | | inappropriate to do so. If you want affection and |
| should be willing to do this for as long as it takes. | | | | reassurance and aren't getting it, ask for it. Often, |
| (And, I often advise men to do this without ever | | | | husbands want desperately to "do the right thing," |
| being asked.) | | | | but they aren't sure what it is. Telling them what you |
| A man who is working to restore his wife's trust | | | | need isn't a step backward. It's ensuring that you get |
| should be willing to be responsible, accountable, and | | | | what you want. |